Don’t Know

I don’t know why
I don’t know what
I do know who
And it’s you

I don’t know when
I don’t know how
I do know where
And I’ll lay it bare

On my mind
In my heart
There’s no doubt
But I can’t let it out

Too scared of a no
Too lost for a yes
Time flies by
And it all runs dry

(11/13/13)

The Vanity of Looks

We all have our vanities. I was scrolling through my RSS feed when I came upon an article about the subreddit Am I Ugly? which then led me to the Am I Sexy? subreddit. After scrolling through a few of the threads in these subreddits, I found it astounding how many people out there had the thought “I wonder how good looking/ugly I am in the eyes of others?” I won’t deny that I’ve had that thought run through my head before, but I’ve never curious enough nor cared enough to actually ask what others thought. I am who I am regardless of how others think of me.

Anyways, people posted for a variety of reasons with the main ones being how can I improve myself, boosting confidence, boosting ego, and social experimenting. Granted, people are who they are and I am not one to pass judgement on them or their actions. I just found the vanity of it all interesting, even more so after I watched this episode of Eddie Huang Fresh Off The Boat.

This is part 3/3 of the Detroit series. If you haven’t seen his other videos, I highly recommend them. This dude is awesome. I won’t give away the whole episode, but it was extremely humbling and it was interesting seeing Christ involved in the episode. After watching the episode I remembered the subreddits and thought about how there’s more to life than caring about our looks. This luxury to even care about this vanity when there are those out there who feel lucky just to have a meal or a hot shower is disturbing. This is the media centric destructive shallow world we live in. Whenever I come across stories of the poor or interact with the homeless, but are content with life because of Christ, it always grounds me back into reality and humbles me. It reminds me of the life that I have been given and not to squander it.

Half Moon

A half moon
A yin and a yang
The bright side so vivid and clear
The dark side a shrouded void
At times the yin is mightier
At times the yang is mightier
A constant cycle
A constant battle
The Earth a slave to it all

(10/11/13)

why

4

- A constant reminder to question everything around me.
- A constant reminder to keep moving forward.
- 3 letters, marks 3 weeks clean.
- Just so happened to not get a job offer today which jolted me into taking my career more seriously.
- Mark of a new start.

Don’t let the pens deceive you. It’s real.

Those Around Me.

I can’t deny that I have a decent life. I have a job, loving parents, friends, and people seem to trust me. There are people who come to me with their problems and I love helping them. So I guess I’m not alone, but it constantly feels like I am.

There are people that I open up to, that I ‘trust’ and that I apply that ‘best friend’ tag, but in the end there’s always this constant feeling of “I’m being a burden” nagging in the back of my mind so I very rarely ever fully open up. And because of this feeling, it leads me feeling like I’m never fully connected with anyone which then leads to a feeling of being alone. I don’t like this feeling of being alone, nor do I like the feeling of being a burden. But I live with it, because I’d rather give ‘not being a burden’ priority.  As long as those around me are doing well and as long as I can take some of the burden off others, I’ll live with it.

I told this to someone before and you know what they said? “You’re not Jesus.” No, I’m not Jesus and I can’t imagine how He handled life so sinlessly.  I wish I could be like Jesus; I wish I could take away the burdens that those around me carry  and see them all happy, but I can only take so much before it gets to me. Who do I get to turn to? I struggle to put my faith in Christ to ease my burden and I’m not fully comfortable turning to anyone for help.

So I escape. Even if that escape will only last a few hours or a few days, anything to turn my mind off and away from the world, I’ll take it. However, escape is escape and doesn’t truly solve anything. If anything it only makes things worse, creates dependency, and drives people away. I can’t keep escaping anymore, but escaping is so easy. I hope that in time I may be able to continue helping other with their burdens without their burdens drowning me and I hope I find greater strength in faith to carry me through.

1 John 3:16-24
This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters. If anyone has material possessions and sees a brother or sister in need but has no pity on them, how can the love of God be in that person? Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth.

This is how we know that we belong to the truth and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence: If our hearts condemn us, we know that God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything. Dear friends, if our hearts do not condemn us, we have confidence before God and receive from him anything we ask, because we keep his commands and do what pleases him. And this is his command: to believe in the name of his Son, Jesus Christ, and to love one another as he commanded us. The one who keeps God’s commands lives in him, and he in them. And this is how we know that he lives in us: We know it by the Spirit he gave us.
Words I keep in my wallet and and try to apply constantly.

Matthew 7:1-2
Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.
Words I always try to live by.

Matthew 7:7-8
Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.
Words I seek strength to ask.

Matthew 7:21-23
Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and in your name perform many miracles?’ Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!’
Leads me to be wary of who to believe. Probably not a good thing…

Matthew 7:24-27
Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.
I fear I may be a fool.